FEAR

Fear can keep us up all night long, but faith makes one fine pillow. ~Philip Gulley

I did it again, Or didn’t, depending on which way you look at it.

I let fear keep me up all night long. I saw each hour on the clock last night – 11:00, 12:00, 1:00, 2:00 and all their mean brothers as they marched resolutely toward you-have-to-get-up-time. And in worried frustration, I threw that pillow of faith on the floor.

I was worried about going to the doctor. My doctor’s a perfectly nice woman, but doctor visits cause me anxiety. They weigh you there. They pretend to be all happy to see you and then they point to the scale. You have to get on it and I don’t like getting on it. Taking off my sweater, my shoes (my watch? my earrings?) does just about nothing to ease the pain of that obnoxious number that shows up after I comply.

They also take your blood pressure. Just thinking about taking my blood pressure causes higher blood pressure. Not kidding. The doc has me keep a record of readings taken outside the office because she knows what happens inside it.

Then there’s the blood sugar test. Now, I know fruits vegetables are my friends and bread, cookies and chips, not so much. I know this. But the taste buds are tough taskmasters. I have to do a better job policing them. If I don’t, I won’t like the test result number that shows up there, either.

But I ask myself, did last night’s worry-fest change any of those numbers? Did my anxiety “add a single hour to (my) life? (Luke 12:25). Nope. (And at almost 61, I’m pretty sure I can do without the extra hour!)

I did some things right last night. As did the Psalmist, I called with all my heart and pleaded with Him to answer me (Psalm 119:145). In my mind I sang every praise song I knew (“Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, sweetest name I know; fills my every longing, keeps me singing as I go.”) I prayed for others I know who have sleep issues, and any other people with any other issues I could pull out of my sleep deprived memory.

The next time this happens (and I know myself well enough to know the probability of recurrence is high) I will do my best with one more thing. I will “give (my) entire attention to what God is doing right now, and (not) get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help (me) deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” (Matthew 6:34, The Message, parentheses mine). The next time my eyes, like the 119 Psalmist’s, stay open through the watches of the night, I long to meditate a bit more on God’s promises, concentrating more on the Bible than on Barb.